So here's the thing... (A:XII)

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'Oh everybody plays the game, and if you don't you're called insane.' - The Strokes

This is one for the girl I see every year at that exhibition at my mother's workplace, who looked at me startled the first time, smiled at me the second time and had her hair cut by the third time. And for the girl that had the courage to ask me out, only to watch me stare into that bottomless pit of despair they call a pint of beer while sipping away at her coke. And for the girl who ate pizza with me on the floor of a crappy hostel in Munich and asked me if I was allright when we walked through that museum of modern art the next morning.

I'm sorry I never called you. See, here's the thing: It's not that I don't like you or that I didn't cherish those times we had together. But I'm somewhere up here, in this big, thick head of mine. It's a maze up there and it takes great patience to walk all the way through it. It takes great trust not to open that door that I swear has a monster waiting behind it. And it takes a strong stomach to be able to walk through the room where I keep past loves.

And if I don't think you got what it takes not to go bananas in there, it's best I keep you out of it completely. A friend once said to me that at some point everybody has to settle for someone. I have to humbly disagree on that. Because I'd rather stay alone until the rest of my days and just go through the motions with a beautiful stranger than to have some poor, innocent girl waste a major junk of her adult life on the likes of me without ever feeling at home. Besides: From time to time I catch a glimpse of one of them, one of those women with a similarly layrinthine mind as mine, who is used to the winding allies that is the character of a person who has conquered the abyss and has wrestled with demons. One who'll accept me as the emotional retard that I am and who's more than happy to spend the rest of her life in a messed up conversation. Because that's where I feel at home.